I am having an internal struggle with myself. It is NOT FUN. It is keeping me awake at night. It is making me grumpy. Remember when I talked about not wanting to live with the in laws? Ever since then, I have been thinking, re-thinking, of that topic. Am I being selfish? Am I being too stubborn to see the bigger picture? Or in other words, should I suck it up, make some rules, and build my own apartment upstairs? I know, I know. Like me, there are those of you screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO on the inside.
But let's just do it. For old times sake. Let's make the good old pros/cons list. Let's start with cons.
- I will live next to my SIL. Who is now pregnant.
- I will live with my in-laws every single day. 24 hours a day.
- There will be no real privacy. I hate when every one knows that we are fighting. (And when the siblings fight with their respective spouses, they all run to momma's house. Not kidding. Sidnei is the same.) And it is just hard for anything to be private when everything is so open everywhere. And yes, this includes sex.
- I have to share my husband and deal with the BS that comes from having momma's boy be so "close" to home. And my husband's "guilt" over everything.
- I am worried that I will be expected to continue cleaning/cooking downstairs (in the MIL's house) and I don't want to do that (My saintly (I use that term loosely) SIL does..every Saturday..all Saturday). I want to clean and cook in my own house and not in their house.
- I hate the "yard" here. We have these lean-to looking things filled with crap. Old crap. Old pots, pans, an old type writer and lots more. Oh and not to mention the huge pile of gravel (seriously?) with old plastic bottles thrown in it. It is one big eye sore. And I HATE IT. It makes me ornery.
- There's that whole sharing thing...hey it's a work in progress okay?
- And to be very real and very honest. I am terrified that I won't be going back to the states..in other words that Sidnei will be denied papers. (A very real possibility. I hate to even say the words out loud. I feel like I'm jinxing myself. In fact it kind of makes me feel like I'm going to have a panic attack, but we'll save that for another day.) And I am going to have to live above in the in laws for a very long time.
- RENT FREE!
- We will be saving money in the long run because we will not have to pay rent. Which means that we will have more disposable income, which means traveling more (a priority for me), and being able to go home more often. And have more of the things we want.
- I will have a security net of family around me always. I feel completely safe in this neighborhood and in the house.
- I will have my own space!
- We will be saving to buy our own place.
- Ok seriously, right now, this is all I can think of. I KNOW there are more pros. But truly the biggest thing is having more money every month. Money is not easy to come by here (and I realize that people back home are thinking "It's not easy to come by here either!" And so I used to say things like this. Until I moved here, and realized, we truly come from the land of milk and honey) and I worry about money ALL THE TIME. (I know, join the club)
Okay, I will add more pros and cons as I think of them. And you can add some too in the comments if you want! Help me. Do these lists ever really work or just make us more confused? I don't know. But let me say this: Please don't be all snarky in the comments. I am being honest here and I realize my honesty may not have the diplomacy that you all seem to crave, so if you can't be constructive, just wave and keep going! Because I really am struggling. I want to get over myself and just build an apartment and live rent free! But I am worried about my sanity and my ability to cope with not having the privacy that I am used to. And no, I haven't talked to Sidnei yet. That's the goal for tonight. I think.