“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”-Rumi
First, I just want to thank everyone for the support, comments, emails, telephone calls...It really made all the difference and I feel extremely lucky to have such a great group of family and friends that cares so deeply.
As expected, time moves on and the pain becomes less severe. I have been extremely busy with work which has helped to keep me from dwelling...unfortunately, coming home is always the hardest part. I cleaned out all her things thinking that if I couldn't see them it wouldn't be so painful. Turns out I don't need her things to remind me that she is gone. She was so ingrained in my everyday living that everything reminds me of her. As I come home, I walk up to do the door and look for her little face under the door. When I do laundry, I look to see if she is laying in the sun. I hear fireworks and have to stop myself from jumping up to go and check on her. (She was terrified of fireworks) I was in the kitchen making something and caught a glimpse of white out of the corner of my eye, I turned to flash her a smile, except she wasn't there. When I am home there is a constant ache, this never ending hole, with never ending thoughts. I feel like I am constantly aware that she is gone, but still have these flashes of thought before I can catch them. They are always painful.
I was putting a file together of all the pictures I have taken of her. I came across this one from my grandma's house. And I thought, I wonder what she's looking at, she looks so intrigued, so attentive. When I opened the picture, I saw her reflection and realized it was me.
Seriously it brought on the waterworks. I just loved her so much.
I know, as it has already shown, that as time moves on, so will I. So I am doing my best to let go of the sadness and hold on to all the wonderful memories she left for me.