Sunday Citar

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”-Rumi

 

First, I just want to thank everyone for the support, comments, emails, telephone calls...It really made all the difference and I feel extremely lucky to have such a great group of family and friends that cares so deeply.

As expected, time moves on and the pain becomes less severe. I have been extremely busy with work which has helped to keep me from dwelling...unfortunately, coming home is always the hardest part. I cleaned out all her things thinking that if I couldn't see them it wouldn't be so painful. Turns out I don't need her things to remind me that she is gone. She was so ingrained in my everyday living that everything reminds me of her. As I come home, I walk up to do the door and look for her little face under the door. When I do laundry, I look to see if she is laying in the sun. I hear fireworks and have to stop myself from jumping up to go and check on her. (She was terrified of fireworks) I was in the kitchen making something and caught a glimpse of white out of the corner of my eye, I turned to flash her a smile, except she wasn't there. When I am home there is a constant ache, this never ending hole, with never ending thoughts. I feel like I am constantly aware that she is gone, but still have these flashes of thought before I can catch them. They are always painful.

I was putting a file together of all the pictures I have taken of her. I came across this one from my grandma's house. And I thought, I wonder what she's looking at, she looks so intrigued, so attentive. When I opened the picture, I saw her reflection and realized it was me.

Seriously it brought on the waterworks. I just loved her so much.

 

I know, as it has already shown, that as time moves on, so will I.  So I am doing my best to let go of the sadness and hold on to all the wonderful memories she left for me.

 

 

Gracie

My beautiful girl is gone. Those words echo inside my head, inside my heart. They can't have meaning. They can't be true. Every single bone, muscle, everything aches.

 

On my birthday 8.8.2011 (4 years old)

Thursday morning, I woke up like normal. Said goodbye to Sidnei and went to go let Gracie outside to go to the bathroom, eat, play with her, brush her hair before work etc. This is our normal routine every morning. The difference that morning is that when I went inside to get ready, I heard Gracie crying in agony about 10 minutes later. Gracie had found rat poison that had been set out by my mother in law (she found a mouse the night before) and she ate it... I never saw it. It was on the ground on the veranda and I never saw it....It was the most terrifying thing for me. We mixed milk and oil, gave it to gracie and she threw everything up. Thankfully my brother in law was home, lives right up the street, and he rushed us to the vet. The vet was able to give Gracie medicine, she stayed for observation, and survived. I couldnt believe she survived, I thought surely she would die. The next couple of days were spent taking care of her, giving her medicine, trying to coax her to eat, to drink etc. She seemed to be getting better, getting stronger. Fast forward to Monday...I gave her all her medicine in the morning, fed her, etc. I came home for lunch, she met me at the door (i was so happy because she had been laying down and not wanting to get up a lot) and followed me around while I was home. My mother in law told me, she was up and following her around in the afternoon too. However, by the time I got home from work, Gracie was sick. It happened really fast, in less than an hour, she started breathing very labored, and quickly. She was making a noise like she was in pain. We called the vet to  meet us at her clinic. By the time she arrived, Gracie had stopped breathing. She got her breathing again and The vet said her lungs were filled with fluid. She decided to take Gracie to her hospital in the next town over. They made it and tried to do everything they could to save her, but the damage was too much. It was too much for her heart. They said she suffered pulmonary cardiac arrest. She passed away early Tuesday morning. We thought she was going to be okay, but the venom she at was just too strong for her little body. It did too much damage to her organs.

We are so very very heartbroken. I dont even know the right words to say. I just know I miss her so so so much. She has been with me for four years. She has been a constant for four years. She was the beginning of Sidnei and I. She was my constant companion. She was there when Sidnei couldn't be. She was here at the beginning of our journey to Brazil. She was there through all the tears. And now she's not and it's my fault. She was my responsibility. I was supposed to take care of her, keep her safe. I was supposed to know she was so sick. I know there are many people who will feel my pain and many who will not understand it. She was more than my dog. She was part of my family. She was part of my heart.

I don't really know what else to say except that I really hate using the past tense.

Sunday Citar

I have been reading Fresh Mommy for a long time. I have always enjoyed Sunday Citar and decided that it was finally time to do one myself!



I saw this the other day on Pinterest (which I have been LOVING by the way) and it really struck a cord with me.

I recently received an email from a concerned family member...it was a hard email to receive. One that asked me to evaluate where I am and if it was something that I really wanted. Unfortunately, I let it send me into a downward spiral. It has been a hard week.

But here is what I want to say...life is complicated and messy. And it seems that with choices I'm faced, it seems to be more, damned if you do, damned if you don't. There is no black and white...it's all different shades of gray.

But I am happy. I am in Brazil and I am happy. That's not to say it's not hard. That's not to say that I don't miss the place I called home, it's not to say I don't miss my family, and it's not to say I don't have days where I hate everything about it here...But who doesn't have those days? If you have the life you planned or not, who doesn't have those kinds of days?

Brazil has taught me a lot. One of the most valuable lessons I take with me is this: I don't know what the future has planned for me...but I know wherever life takes me, I'll figure it out. I know wherever I am I will find the happiness that is in store for me.

The Movies

So here's the thing. In Ipatinga, we have a teeny tiny little theater...Like tiny. Like no tiered seating...the screen looks like its a big, white piece of fabric strung up. Except it's not big enough...the movies don't really fit. It's quite an experience. One we go to every once in a while...but I really hope with the new mall they are building, that it's going to have a new theater...that would be wonderful!

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is language. Language is going well. I understand about 97% of everything that is said now. It is wonderful. And I find that I also don't really need to pay direct attention. I can listen to things around me and just understand. That is really a relief. All the concentration made me so tired! Anyway, but speaking is still more difficult. This is due to a couple of things. The first is that, I don't have much time to study. The second is that I'm a bad student. The third is that...well it's really just those two.

What does this have to do with the movies?

Well it's really TV and movies. I don't understand what those people are saying! They seem to be speaking so fast! But I can understand here...maybe i just understand Mineiro and not other accents? But I kind of got the impression if I could learn Mineiro, I could understand almost anything! It could also be due to the fact that I haven't been watching TV here...at all. But...meh. So anyway we went and saw Harry Potter. And it was fine. I didn't understand what they were saying, but I knew what was going on. Which the case in most movies. I guess I'll understand one day.

The best part of going to the movie? Movie popcorn. Sidnei doesn't like it...so I have the bag to myself...and I can eat almost the entire bag....yummmm...I think I'll go pop some popcorn (totally not the same...)

This post is brought to you by nothing more than ramblings...no point, not much of a story, just wanted to talk...

Cows

I have a thing for cows. I didn't realize this until I got to Brazil. I think that is because here they tend to be in lots of random places. For instance, in the middle of our city, next to a busy road, where I want for the bus, were these guys:

Have you ever seen a calico cow? (do you consider that calico? I couldn't think of another word to call the coloring) But I thought he was pretty!


I love the babies even more. They haven't quite grown into their floppy ears. I love the ears!


As a side note, people watching me take pictures of the cows, probably think I'm insane. And I felt a little silly taking them and then taking my place at the bus stop with everyone staring...but they were too cute!

A good day for soccer

Last weekend, we went to Ipatingão, which has since been renamed apparently...but I forgot the name. Anyway, we went to go watch the Ipatinga Serie B championships. It was two different games and it made for a long afternoon evening. But the weather was perfect, the sky beautiful, and the games were pretty exciting!



Flags: On the far left is Ipatinga, the middle is Brazil, and the right is Minas Gerais
I took particular notice because they replaced the flags with new ones. I was grateful because the old ones were pretty bad looking. I have a thing about flags and respect and etc.
Here is another thought...no one here stands for the national anthem. I always make Sidnei stand with me out of respect. I also would like to learn the words...but..it's a really long song! Maybe I'll make it one of my 2012 resolutions..

The mascot is a Chapinha...you know, like our birds .


Fun day! We hadn't been to the stadium for a game in a while, so it was nice to do something different! We are hoping one of these days we are going to win a motorcycle (of course, to sell). They gave away 5 motorcycles during the half times. We didn't have the luck ticket...but one day we will!

Heads Up

Hello my fellow bloggers! Guess what? I'm a couple days late (or a week) but I'm coming to Rio!!

But of course I am not coming for fun. Boo to the hoo for that. I am coming because I am in need of a document. Remember a couple of days ago when I asked for a little help ? Well things have gotten interesting since then.

If you are look for some answers here they are. So after Corin left a comment on that post she suggested contacting the embassy. They should have some answers for me. Turns out they DO! There is this thing called an inscription letter that lists all your legal names, your parents name, your date of birth, and place of birth. Which is excellent considering I don't have any documents (aside from my birth certificate which is a whole other problem in itself) with my parents name...which here in Brazil they don't like...seeing as just about every legal document here shows your parents name. *sigh* I'm having all kinds of documents issues. Anyway going back, you can get this paper and it should solve problems. Well, supposedly.

So the interesting part, is I was planning on trekking it out to Governador Valadares today to go talk to the Federal Police about my problem. But yesterday while I was at work, the Federal Police came to ME! Well, actually, they came to do my interview (the one that makes sure I actually live here, with my husband, in a "true" marriage kind of way) and it went fine. Except for the part where everything was a mess. That was embarrassing, but I wasn't here...so I pretend it's all good. Thankfully my sister in law was and Sidnei arrived right as they were leaving. Things should be good on that end.

Anyway they told us to solve this problem, we needed to talk to a specific guy that handles foreigners, except he's the boss and comes in when he wants to. (how very typical) So I waited to call this morning to make sure he was there. Want to know the funny part? He's on VACATION. (also very typical) But we talked to another girl, who INSISTS, that the South Carolina state government must change their document. Which, um, is NOT going to happen. She also insisted the catorio would add a statement onto my translated and legalized Brazilian marriage certificate stating that I was allowed to use my married name. I am going to go talk to them today (I know the big wig at the one here, husband of another teacher), but I don't think that is going to fly either.

So the point being, I'm going to go get this document. Is the consulate far away from the bus station? (I'll be going by bus) Will I be okay all on my lonesome? Anyone want to have lunch while I'm there? :)


(Did any of that make any sense people? I'm on a holy crap I need to get this resolved and the PF are not being helpful tailspin.)

(Oh yeah, if you are coming to Brazil with a loved one? For Pete's sake, just get married here and save yourself the hassle.)