Saturday, December 10, 2011

Bittersweet

Today I fly out for the United States. I will be there tomorrow morning (or Brazil's afternoon). It all feels so surreal. It's hard to believe that I'm going to be back with my parent's for the first time in 2 years, 6 months and 2 weeks.  How does time pass so slowly and so quickly all at the same time? I can hardly believe I have been here so long.

I am so excited to see my family. To hug them, to play with them, to just be with them. My sister is coming from Ireland too, so I will be able to see her as well (and finally meet that husband of hers)!

However with all the happiness comes an exception. Today truly is bittersweet. The sad truth about my situation is that no matter where I go, everyone I love can not be together. To be here, I hurt my family. To be there, I hurt my husband. It's days like today that make me sad. My heart squeezes in joy and pain all at the same time. And I just wonder, will it always be like this? Is there a light at the end of this tunnel that I am desperately searching for?

I know I am going to go and have a wonderful time. I am going to be so happy to be with my family, to see missed friends, to celebrate the holidays with all the force of U.S. commercialism that I love, to overindulge in food and shopping. I also know, when the day comes to come home, I am going to feel that familiar squeeze of joy and pain.

I know in this life, there are rarely those who experience complete happiness. Happiness is generally bittersweet as life is a series of choices we must make, rarely black and white, but always in the hazy gray. Please don't confuse this as unhappiness. I am not unhappy, in fact quite the opposite. However, I will always continue to hope that things will change for us.

Keep my in your thoughts and prayers in all my travels. I have missed participating in this online blog world. I have lots of stories and things to say. Hopefully I can carve some time out and share! Lots of fun adventures to share as I adjust back to the U.S.! Stay tuned!

13 comments:

American Girl said...

I found your blog through a friend that is now in Brazil. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing the feeling that I have every time I go back home...you put it into words that made so much sense for me. :) Have a safe and happy trip!

Ballerina Girl said...

Hi Stephanie
Life is full of choices, sacrifices and adjustments that are continually changing. I feel for your situation and hope that eventually there will be a happy meeting in the middle.
Enjoy the US...I will be there next week finally!

BG

Betty said...

I´m so happy for you Steph!! And I completely utterly know what you mean, about feeling the pain and the joy at the same time. Its something I go through every time I visit Canada too. Just remember to savor each moment and to live it at the fullest.
All the best for you!! Stay safe.

Lisa said...

This makes me sad, but I understand what you are saying. Rarely, if ever, are things perfect. There are always compromises it seems.

I think of you often, especially when I see pretzel M&M's!!

Lisa Q

Nani said...

Welcome to expat's life! I have been "divided" for about 8 years. It's hard, but again, this situation makes us values these especial moments with family and husband even more. Have a nice trip and have fun!!!! :) Sidney will be sad to be away from you, but I know he will be very happy to know that you will be with your family, he knows how this is important to you!

Luasol (Jane) said...

Have a good time with your family and friends in the States. I understand the bittersweet feelings.
Boa viagens e feliz festas!

Lindsey said...

I have the same wonder if life can ever have the feeling of 100% fulfillment - probably not in the way we want, but this life enriches our life in so many other ways.

Always stuck in the middle though... have an amazing trip home Steph. Ahh.... lots of happy tears to come :D

Lisa n Javi said...

I know exactly how you feel. I hope you have safe travels and have a wonderful time with your family.

rach said...

I can never 100% understand how you feel since I am not in the same situation but I feel for you. Its so hard being so far away and its hard trying to live your life and be happy when you know such important things in your life(like family) can never be close. Just remember that even though its hard now things will get better and things will sort themselves out and that I love you and will always be there for you! and I'm super duper excited to see you in just a few weeks (WOOT!) and to overindulge with you as well! love you snaggle!

Lin said...

This sounds like an awful situation to be in, I'm sorry. I hope you have a great time in the states. I've been talking to your sister & I know she's super excited :)

Vanessa Rogers said...

What a poignant post. Very insightful. I hope you enjoy your time in America.

Amanda said...

Well Im supper late reading this so your already there. And Im sure the bittersweatness is still there. Its been over two years since Iv been home and a lot of it is for that same reason. Try your best to have fun while there. Merry Christmas!!!!!!

Oh and I hope you do keep writing Im trying to get back into blogg land also. Its tough when you work full time but its such great therapy for free. lol

Kelsey said...

I know exactly how you feel and I hope that one day you can have it all!