Sunday Citar

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”-Rumi

 

First, I just want to thank everyone for the support, comments, emails, telephone calls...It really made all the difference and I feel extremely lucky to have such a great group of family and friends that cares so deeply.

As expected, time moves on and the pain becomes less severe. I have been extremely busy with work which has helped to keep me from dwelling...unfortunately, coming home is always the hardest part. I cleaned out all her things thinking that if I couldn't see them it wouldn't be so painful. Turns out I don't need her things to remind me that she is gone. She was so ingrained in my everyday living that everything reminds me of her. As I come home, I walk up to do the door and look for her little face under the door. When I do laundry, I look to see if she is laying in the sun. I hear fireworks and have to stop myself from jumping up to go and check on her. (She was terrified of fireworks) I was in the kitchen making something and caught a glimpse of white out of the corner of my eye, I turned to flash her a smile, except she wasn't there. When I am home there is a constant ache, this never ending hole, with never ending thoughts. I feel like I am constantly aware that she is gone, but still have these flashes of thought before I can catch them. They are always painful.

I was putting a file together of all the pictures I have taken of her. I came across this one from my grandma's house. And I thought, I wonder what she's looking at, she looks so intrigued, so attentive. When I opened the picture, I saw her reflection and realized it was me.

Seriously it brought on the waterworks. I just loved her so much.

 

I know, as it has already shown, that as time moves on, so will I.  So I am doing my best to let go of the sadness and hold on to all the wonderful memories she left for me.

 

 

Gracie

My beautiful girl is gone. Those words echo inside my head, inside my heart. They can't have meaning. They can't be true. Every single bone, muscle, everything aches.

 

On my birthday 8.8.2011 (4 years old)

Thursday morning, I woke up like normal. Said goodbye to Sidnei and went to go let Gracie outside to go to the bathroom, eat, play with her, brush her hair before work etc. This is our normal routine every morning. The difference that morning is that when I went inside to get ready, I heard Gracie crying in agony about 10 minutes later. Gracie had found rat poison that had been set out by my mother in law (she found a mouse the night before) and she ate it... I never saw it. It was on the ground on the veranda and I never saw it....It was the most terrifying thing for me. We mixed milk and oil, gave it to gracie and she threw everything up. Thankfully my brother in law was home, lives right up the street, and he rushed us to the vet. The vet was able to give Gracie medicine, she stayed for observation, and survived. I couldnt believe she survived, I thought surely she would die. The next couple of days were spent taking care of her, giving her medicine, trying to coax her to eat, to drink etc. She seemed to be getting better, getting stronger. Fast forward to Monday...I gave her all her medicine in the morning, fed her, etc. I came home for lunch, she met me at the door (i was so happy because she had been laying down and not wanting to get up a lot) and followed me around while I was home. My mother in law told me, she was up and following her around in the afternoon too. However, by the time I got home from work, Gracie was sick. It happened really fast, in less than an hour, she started breathing very labored, and quickly. She was making a noise like she was in pain. We called the vet to  meet us at her clinic. By the time she arrived, Gracie had stopped breathing. She got her breathing again and The vet said her lungs were filled with fluid. She decided to take Gracie to her hospital in the next town over. They made it and tried to do everything they could to save her, but the damage was too much. It was too much for her heart. They said she suffered pulmonary cardiac arrest. She passed away early Tuesday morning. We thought she was going to be okay, but the venom she at was just too strong for her little body. It did too much damage to her organs.

We are so very very heartbroken. I dont even know the right words to say. I just know I miss her so so so much. She has been with me for four years. She has been a constant for four years. She was the beginning of Sidnei and I. She was my constant companion. She was there when Sidnei couldn't be. She was here at the beginning of our journey to Brazil. She was there through all the tears. And now she's not and it's my fault. She was my responsibility. I was supposed to take care of her, keep her safe. I was supposed to know she was so sick. I know there are many people who will feel my pain and many who will not understand it. She was more than my dog. She was part of my family. She was part of my heart.

I don't really know what else to say except that I really hate using the past tense.