Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Gracie

My beautiful girl is gone. Those words echo inside my head, inside my heart. They can't have meaning. They can't be true. Every single bone, muscle, everything aches.

 036

On my birthday 8.8.2011 (4 years old)

Thursday morning, I woke up like normal. Said goodbye to Sidnei and went to go let Gracie outside to go to the bathroom, eat, play with her, brush her hair before work etc. This is our normal routine every morning. The difference that morning is that when I went inside to get ready, I heard Gracie crying in agony about 10 minutes later. Gracie had found rat poison that had been set out by my mother in law (she found a mouse the night before) and she ate it... I never saw it. It was on the ground on the veranda and I never saw it....It was the most terrifying thing for me. We mixed milk and oil, gave it to gracie and she threw everything up. Thankfully my brother in law was home, lives right up the street, and he rushed us to the vet. The vet was able to give Gracie medicine, she stayed for observation, and survived. I couldnt believe she survived, I thought surely she would die. The next couple of days were spent taking care of her, giving her medicine, trying to coax her to eat, to drink etc. She seemed to be getting better, getting stronger. Fast forward to Monday...I gave her all her medicine in the morning, fed her, etc. I came home for lunch, she met me at the door (i was so happy because she had been laying down and not wanting to get up a lot) and followed me around while I was home. My mother in law told me, she was up and following her around in the afternoon too. However, by the time I got home from work, Gracie was sick. It happened really fast, in less than an hour, she started breathing very labored, and quickly. She was making a noise like she was in pain. We called the vet to  meet us at her clinic. By the time she arrived, Gracie had stopped breathing. She got her breathing again and The vet said her lungs were filled with fluid. She decided to take Gracie to her hospital in the next town over. They made it and tried to do everything they could to save her, but the damage was too much. It was too much for her heart. They said she suffered pulmonary cardiac arrest. She passed away early Tuesday morning. We thought she was going to be okay, but the venom she at was just too strong for her little body. It did too much damage to her organs.

We are so very very heartbroken. I dont even know the right words to say. I just know I miss her so so so much. She has been with me for four years. She has been a constant for four years. She was the beginning of Sidnei and I. She was my constant companion. She was there when Sidnei couldn't be. She was here at the beginning of our journey to Brazil. She was there through all the tears. And now she's not and it's my fault. She was my responsibility. I was supposed to take care of her, keep her safe. I was supposed to know she was so sick. I know there are many people who will feel my pain and many who will not understand it. She was more than my dog. She was part of my family. She was part of my heart.

I don't really know what else to say except that I really hate using the past tense.

20 comments:

SweetlyBroken said...

I am so sorry Stephanie. I know what it is like to loose a furry baby. Hang in there.

Jim said...

SO SORRY for your loss.

Your fault!? - WTF?

Family members should know better than to put rat poison where it can be eaten by beloved pets!

Again - so sorry. Horrible.

thetaoofme.com said...

Oh, Stephanie. I'm so, so sorry you lost Gracie. Big hugs to you.

And it is NOT your fault! I totally agree with Jim. Rat poison? Out in her usual space where she could get it? So thoughtless.

Even more big hugs to you.

Lin said...

I'm so sorry hon. Losing a pet that's become apart of your family is never easy. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's not your fault at all. Things happen & she knew you loved her.

Stay strong. *hugs*

Megan said...

I'm so very, very sorry!!! But it wasn't your fault! You couldn't have known. Prayers for you because if my fur baby passed away I would feel heartbroken too. (((HUGS)))

Ballerina Girl said...

Oh Stephanie

Even though I'm not in Brazil anymore, I have still enjoyed following all your tales. And now here, I'm at a loss for words for you.
I do know you loss of words, the pain you feel. Animals are such a special part of my life too...
Please receive my biggest hug and know that I'm very sorry for your little Gracie

BG

Ray and Gil said...

Dear Stephanie,

I am so sorry for your loss.
I totally agree with Jim, you had absolutely no fault in this. It was very irresponsible of your MIL to place rat poison within Gracie's reach, very irresponsible to say the least.
I understand what you are going through and I hope you find peace in your heart and do not blame yourself.


Ray

Ray and Gil said...

Dear Stephanie,

I am so sorry for your loss.
I totally agree with Jim, you had absolutely no fault in this. It was very irresponsible of your MIL to place rat poison within Gracie's reach, very irresponsible to say the least.
I understand what you are going through and I hope you find peace in your heart and do not blame yourself.


Ray

Eve said...

I am so sorry! What a sad and heartbreaking loss, but it's not your fault... it was just a terrible accident.

Corinne said...

Stephanie,

I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not blame yourself. You did all you could. It is just aweful to lose a beloved pet. Hang in there.

Laural Out Loud said...

I'm so so sorry. My heart is aching for you right now. I've gone through the loss of two beloved childhood pets, and it IS like losing a family member. It was NOT your fault- why on earth would you look for something that's never been there before? BIG hugs to you.

markuza said...

Stephanie, I'm so sorry about Gracie. Anyone who has followed your blog knows how special she was to you. And I agree with everyone else, definitely NOT your fault.

Krystyn said...

Stephanie, I'm so very sorry to hear about Gracie. What horrible accident. And, how could it possibly be your fault.

Dari said...

Steph, I am so so sorry. My mom lost her dog Baby a few months ago and it was devastating. I definitely understand how doggies are a part of the family. I hope your heart will heal quickly. Don't feel bad at all, you had no idea that there was anything out there that would hurt her. Don't feel guilty at all, you were such an amazing mommy to Gracie. I love you lots and will keep you in my prayers.

Lisa said...

Stephanie,

I am so, so sorry. I know she meant so much to you.
We love all our dogs also, and almost lost one to a snake bite last year. We all stood in the vet's office and cried like big babies.
It is not your fault though. Do not beat yourself up.
Wish I could give you a big hug.

Lisa Q

Jana said...

Oh Stephanie, this made my heart break. I remember when you wrote about my dog sitting experience, telling me you had a shih tzu and how much you loved her. (and since doggiesitting ive fallen madly in love with these dogs) and I just feel so terrible about this. Cant imagine how hard it must be... losing pets are so traumatic... sending lots of good thoughts your way... =(

The Storyteller said...

well designed, creative and attractive. Keep it up

Tracey said...

Oh Stephanie I am so sorry about Gracie -being a "doggie person" I cried when reading your post. Be strong and remember all the good memories she has given you.

Lovely Light said...

I'm so sorry! We brought my doggies to South Africa, and they have made it so much easier for me to be away from home. I can only imagine your pain. Its so hard to miss your pets and remember their cute habits. I hope that with time you heart starts to heal...

mrsmouthy said...

Oh, this breaks my heart too. I am feeling your loss way up here in Seattle, Stephanie. We lost our dear cat when he was 4, equally suddenly, and it took me a long time to stop reliving his last days and to stop hating on myself for "letting" it happen. We still miss Rocky and reminisce about him often, but fortunately that stabbing pain is gone. RIP, sweet Gracie.