Monday, July 5, 2010

The truth is..I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy and I really don't know how to fix it. I'm hoping that when we move, it will solve a lot of the issues I am feeling. One of the big ones being I feel uncomfortable here in my in-laws house. My SIL is here every day now, since having the baby, and it has heightened this feeling ten-fold.

I feel out of place. I'm different. And both of these things make me feel really lonely. I'm really tired of feeling different. I'm really tired of thinking differently from everyone else. I want to feel understood, normal, accepted, as if I belonged.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my country. I miss my life. I miss the person I used to be. I often wonder where she has gone and if it is possible to get her back.

I feel like I try really hard to be happy...but have I? I have no idea. I feel like I go round and round. Sidnei tries, but he doesn't understand. I want to call and cry to my Mom, but I know she worries and I don't want her to worry any more than she does. I want to call and talk to my Dad, but he'll just tell me to leave and come home. I don't want to burden friends more than I already have.

And the truth is, today, I just want to cry. I want to cry hard and long, the kind of crying the wears you out so much that you need to sleep to recover. But that requires a little privacy. Though honestly, I wouldn't mind someone holding my hand while I cried, but eventually I would need to explain why, and I don't know that I can effectively do that in portuguese today. Or that I want too.

I know this feeling is temporary. At least that is what I hope because I am tired. I'm just tired.

So forgive me. I feel like I have exhausted all my outlets. Even this one. But I just didn't know where else to go.