Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A Christmas Funny

Okay, so I might be on the only one that thinks this is funny, but I thought I would share anyway! I was talking on the phone with Mr. S when I was reading it (which he did not appreciate..sorry honey)and busted out laughing! Hope you all have a good laugh too!!

The Christmas Dolly

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, m y brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she wa s Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Funny Right? Merry Christmas Eve everyone!


Kerri said...

That is very funny! Wouldn't that be a fun white elephant gift for next year?

angi_b72 said...

That is too funny!! Have a Merry Christams Stephanie! I know it is hard right now, but it will all be worth it in the end!!

Ballerina Girl said...

hahaha, laughing as I write this!
Hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

AngieS said...

Hilarious!!! Thanks for your many kind words, and you really should come see us if you come into town...

We hope you have a Merry Christmas!!!!

Kori said...


AndreaLeigh said...


Betty said...

LoL! Yes very funny! :)
Have a joyous Christmas!

Heather said...

That is HILARIOUS!! Oh, it made me laugh. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, sweets.

Megan said...

Hahahahahaha!!! That is hilarious!!!

Carla said...

Okay so if you were here at this exact moment where I am sitting and watched me break out in a histerical laugh while everyone around me watched in a puzzled look, you would laugh even harder! Oh this one wins!!

Kelsey said...

That's hysterical. I really just did laugh out loud.

Merry Christmas!

Paula said...

Have a Merry Christmas

countrygirl3031 said...

That is hysterical! Thanks for sharing!

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.


Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas Stephanie!!

Vanessa Rogers said...

I don't think that my grandma would appreciate that joke either! ha ha!! hilarious.

onlymehere said...

This was tooooooo dang funny!

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

Hope you had a good Christmas!

~*amber*~ said...

That was hilarious, thanks!

Hope you guys had a Merry Christmas!

Tranquility said...

That was sooo funny!

CrYsTAL said...

That is funny! Thanks for that! lol

Tabitha Blue said...

That is hilarious!!!!!!! So glad I came by and read this!!!


Nana said...

Oh that is funny, funny, funny! My grandpa used to tell this joke about his pals buying him a gal for the evening. He said "things just didn't work out. I kissed her neck,she farted and flew out the window." Something dumb like that. I had not thought of that goofy joke in years until now.

Elaine A. said...

Thanks for the laugh. I love how he says he was going to use her later so he could go in the carpool lane! HA!